


hopeful hearts

by royalgreen (allyoop)



Series: Fictober 2020 [6]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, Developing Relationship, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fictober, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Found Family, Gentleness, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Requited Love, Romantic Fluff, Short & Sweet, Tenderness, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27155773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/royalgreen
Summary: Misfortune has led to Essek needing to hide with the Nein in Caleb's tower, but it is a beautiful place to be hidden within. Essek receives a tour of the tower....as well as something else magical he hadn't quite expected.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: Fictober 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954570
Comments: 15
Kudos: 226





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is technically a follow-up to the fic ["impossible magic"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055879). Also this one will be a two-parter in two chapters!
> 
> Part one fictober prompt "first impressions".

Essek felt heavier than normal as he followed Jester down through the tower, her having volunteered to lead him on a haphazard tour. He tried to compartmentalize, to carefully file away the circumstances of what led him to here and now. He wanted to have a nice evening with these nice people, the  _ friends _ who rescued him, and not think about any of the events that were sure to haunt his nightmares for the next decade.

He was groggy from health potions and sleeping for days, but the scenery he saw as he floated downwards still astounded him. The tower had multiple floors, many rooms beyond that, intricate windows and overflowing bookshelves and details at every turn. Caleb’s power was, once again, very impressive but it was the specificity of the details that warmed Essek the most. It was clear this tower was built  _ for _ and  _ on _ the strength of bond between the Nein. 

Essek had never seen a home that perfectly fit the word ‘ _ home’ _ quite like it.

The full tour was put on pause, which pained Essek’s curiosity a little, because it was dinner time. This was a group affair for the Nein, but they didn’t seem to mind his presence. Jester was talkative the whole way to the kitchen, excitedly pointing out the “cat tunnels” along the way. Essek didn’t ask for clarification; he was grateful to talk about anything but himself.

He seated himself at the dinner table, a few chairs down and across from Caleb. He was still feeling off-kilter from their last few private words and raincheck to ‘ _ talk later’ _ . Essek could feel the slither of anxiety join the mess of feelings already twisting around his mind. He looked down at the table, eyes tracing the whorls in the wood and tried to box those thoughts back up. Breathe in, breathe out, those were things to deal with later.

His attention was loudly interrupted as a fleet of cats came striding out of the double doors into the kitchen, dexterously carrying wide platters of breads and salads. 

“This is just the appetizers,” Jester must have seen his bewildered face and misinterpreted it. “Don’t worry, you can eat anything you want in here! You just ask the cats to bring it.” He noticed she was serving herself bread and butter off of a platter but avoiding all the salad.

“Jester is right,” Caleb spoke. “They can prepare anything, so if there is a meal from home you are missing-”

“ _ No _ .” Essek’s voice was raw from the month of under-use but it still came out sharp and short. “No, I think I’ll… Jester, what would you recommend?”

“Pancakes! Oh gosh, Essek have you ever had pancakes? They’re the most delicious things ever. You can have them for breakfast, or lunch, or dinner, or-”

“They were new to me too.” Yasha spoke up, trying to give Essek a reassuring smile. “But they are good.”

“Sure, fine.” He looked down towards one of the cats. “I’ll have these  _ pan cakes _ . Thank you.”

Essek could see that Caleb was giving him a soft smile from across the table and it was making Essek’s face feel warm. Maybe he could feign a fever, he certainly was weary and bruised enough to look ill, but something rooted him firmly to his chair. He wanted to try these pan cakes. But more so, he really wanted one normal dinner with these friends.

Dinner was nice. Good. Simple.  _ Warm _ .

Essek had no expectations anymore, not because the Nein were so unexpected, but his kidnapping and subsequent captivity had uprooted anything solid he thought he knew about his life. That had happened to  _ him _ despite his power and magic, because of the past choices he made, and it was a plan most certainly executed by someone he knew very well.

To borrow a phrase from Veth over the dinner table, that  _ sucked balls  _ so anything after that could only feel like improvement. 

The pancakes looked ridiculously drowned in sugar with Jester’s recommended toppings of syrup, sprinkles, chocolate chips, and whipped cream. They were indeed too sweet but Essek found he didn’t mind too much. He was now someone who apparently enjoyed dessert for dinner. Anything could happen now.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fictober prompt: "it isn't much"

It was Caleb’s turn to finish off the tour leading Essek back up the tower, showing him the nine glorious mosaic windows depicting the schools of magic including, to Essek’s warm surprise, dunamanacy. There was a highlight reel of the library, Caleb trying to truncate the explanation of his shelving system out of habit, but Essek kept prodding him with questions about the books. It turned out every book Caleb had ever read was in here, several copies of each, and blank books just waiting for their chance to be replaced with new. And they were organized by subject matter, which was sensible, and then by favorites within the subject. Essek trailed a finger along the spines, wondering if he could find a moment to read one of Caleb’s favorite books. He didn’t know how much longer they’d be sequestered in the tower, but he hoped it would be time enough.

The tour pressed on past the library, showing off training rooms and the adjacent spa, neither interested Essek quite as much as the library but he perked up again at the mention of a laboratory.

“I admit, it is not quite as grand as the one in your tower-” Caleb started.

Essek cut him off. “I have had decades to build and rebuild mine, there is no fair comparison. This is… you have created something truly wonderful, Caleb. I really am quite impressed with your magic and I am sure your laboratory is just as fine.” He paused, waiting for the tour to continue, but instead watched as a faint pink tinge started across Caleb’s cheeks.

“Ah, you see, the laboratory is connected to my room and to Veth’s. If it wasn’t so late in the evening…”

“No, I understand, I wouldn’t want to intrude anymore than I already have.” Essek fidgeted with his shirt collar, feeling that twinge of anxiety return. He still hadn’t asked for the full details about his rescue. The Nein had put themselves at great risk, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know to what extent.

“Would you like to go to your room? Or back to the library?” Caleb asked. “You have seen the best the tower has to offer, but is still some time in the evening that is yours to spend how you wish.”

Essek wanted to talk to Caleb, to  _ really _ talk. Not about the past, but about the future. “I’d like to retire to my room for the evening. And if you are amenable, would you accompany me?”

Caleb’s eyebrows bounced up for a brief second before his expression moved into something more neutral. “Do you wish to...talk?”

“Yes, if it isn’t an intrusion on your time.” Essek smiled, trying to look more at ease than he felt. “You did say before that we could talk later in private.”

“Ja, of course. I remember.” The nervous edge to Caleb’s face faded as he returned the smile. He held out his arm in an ‘ _ after you _ ’ gesture and the two of them floated through the floor’s aperture towards the lower level bedrooms. 

Essek strolled through the unmarked door into the now-familiar chamber and Caleb closed it behind him, his eyes lingering on the wood.

“I am sure it hasn’t passed your notice that this is the only bedroom without a symbol. I made this as the guest room,” Caleb started. “But it seems it will be yours now, for a while.” 

Essek froze. It was such a simple statement, but it cut to the heart of the matter. To  _ his _ heart. “Caleb, I do not want to stay if it causes trouble for you all. I thank you for helping me, but-”

“It already happened.” Caleb’s expression grew serious. “We already made that choice and you are here now. We left a little more bruised than before, but it is nothing to regret. You are alive, Essek. I am not sure you would be if we had not come.” Caleb paused, his mouth opening and closing a couple times before the right words came. “Once I knew, I could not leave you there.”

The intensity of Caleb’s honesty was making Essek more nervous. There were things he  _ had _ to say tonight before anything else happened, before either of them stepped farther.

“I thought of magic, often and obsessively, while I was trapped. It was the means of my escape, even if I couldn’t physically break my bonds with magic, my spells were something to focus on. Something to pin my hopes on. And…” Essek took a step closer, glad Caleb was only a few feet away. It would make this easier. “I thought of you. Often and, well, a little obsessively. I found...hope in my daydreams of you. And more.”

Essek let those words settle in the air, trying to keep his breathing steady and flushing face from betraying the extent of the feelings. There was a furrow in Caleb’s brow that struck a little fear into Essek; did he not understand? Would Essek have to state it even plainer? No, he had to wait, he didn’t have to strength to speak further if Caleb’s answer was to back away.

Then something sparked in Caleb’s eyes. “I have something for you.”

Essek hadn’t expected that as a response. He looked on in bewilderment as Caleb pulled something small and glittering from his component pouch. Caleb held the small object delicately between two fingers. It appeared to be a tiny silver star.

“I made this...for you.” Caleb approached, closing another small distance between them. “That first night while you slept and we did not know when you would wake, the idea came to me and I could not rest until I finished. Essek, I...” He placed the star into Essek’s open palm. “This will make it easier for me to find you, if you are lost again.”

“ _ Oh. _ ” Essek lifted the little object to eye level. The star was a tarnished silver color, enchantment laced into each of its tiny nine-pointed sides. It was a spell he didn’t quite recognize. “Did you invent this? So you can scry on me?”

Caleb shrugged, a half-smile tugging up his lips. “Something like that. It is a more powerful connection than just...thinking of you. It should assist a spell in cutting through any walls set up to obscure a location. I thought it would look nice as an earring, since you are so fond of wearing them.”

Essek immediately lifted the charm towards his ear, trying to attach it to the chain that already hung there. His fingers fumbled with it, the weight of this conversation making Essek feel a little shaky. “Is there a mirror in here? I can’t quite...”

“May I?” Caleb lifted his hand towards Essek’s face.

Essek nodded, letting Caleb take the charm from him. He held himself very still as Caleb linked the charm onto the existing earring. He was inches away now and Essek could see the dusting of freckles across his face, the way his lips parted as he concentrated on the earring.

Then Caleb’s fingers brushed down across his ear and Essek couldn’t suppress the shiver.

“Apologies, my hands must be cold-”

“No, no I…” Essek tilted his head the micro-distance to look directly into Caleb’s eyes. “I am a little...sensitive there.”

Caleb’s hovering hand lowered back down, tracing softly down Essek’s ear to his jaw. And then he waited, fingers butterfly-light on Essek’s cheek. 

There was a question in Caleb’s eyes, but the smile still danced on his lips. This was it, this was the response Essek had hoped for in his daydreams, never believing it could ever be truth. He felt overwhelmed, the moment so delicate with wishes and wants. He could only whisper: “ _ Please _ .”

It wasn’t earth shattering, no kiss is, and there was a moment of bumped noses before the right gentle angle could be found. But even still, Essek was completely swept up in the sensation. After weeks of nothing but harsh sharp pain, this tender press of Caleb’s lips on his, the soft brush of fingers across his cheek… Essek felt he could melt completely away.

A few minutes passed, a few more, then Essek raised his hands to wrap Caleb's shoulders, drawing him down closer. If he were to melt, he wanted to bring Caleb with him. Essek shifted his attention to Caleb’s bottom lip, drawing it gently between his teeth for a little experimental nip. He heard a responding low ‘ _ mmm’ _ from Caleb, and so he did it again, following the suck with a swipe of his tongue. Caleb’s hand reached up to tangle in his hair, brushing his thumbpad up and down his ear. Essek shivered, his movement now caught against Caleb’s body.

Despite the clock in the room, Essek did not know how long they were pressed against each other, lips tenderly exploring one spot and the next. The faint ticking in the background was just as delicate as their touches. Each kiss so soft it was like they were both too afraid to press harder, to break what could be fragile.

Essek could feel wetness prickling at his eyes. It was...too much. There was a threatening rise of emotions stuck in his throat; it was pure gentleness after such a long stretch alone and hurting. He pulled his face back, the tiniest strum of shame stirring. He didn’t want Caleb to see him  _ cry _ as a response in this moment, even though Caleb might understand, he might  _ know _ , but Essek was still reluctant to show that vulnerability.

He turned his face away, resting his cheek on Caleb’s shoulder and looking out towards the wall, trying to damper the thoughts racing through his head. Caleb’s hand still rested on his hair, fingers holding him softly in place.

Essek felt compelled to say something, there were too many words piling up behind his lips. “This is dangerous.”

He could feel Caleb inhale sharply, and then still. After a long moment he responded. “Yes. You are right.” 

“No, I don’t mean-” Essek could tell he misunderstood, that Caleb’s thoughts had probably raced to politics, to wars, but Essek only meant- “It is dangerous because it feels so…” So many words in the world, in all the languages he spoke, and he couldn’t find the one that contained the depth of emotions he was feeling.  _ Nice _ was too simple,  _ grounding _ was just one aspect,  _ life-changing _ was too much, and it wasn’t  _ impossible _ but rather  _ opening my eyes to so many possibilities I had never allowed myself to believe before _ .

“Tell me.” Caleb prompted, tilting Essek’s jaw until their eyes met again. Essek could see the same struggle there, the look of being captured between dream and impossible, like he needed to hear Essek say it aloud and then it would exist, tangible and real between them. 

“Caleb, I would not like to stop.” He smiled up at him. “Now that I know how this feels, I would like to kiss you again. And again, and again, if permitted.”

Caleb laughed, a quick breathy chuckle that Essek was delighted to have caused. When his laugh quieted, he traced a finger slowly up Essek’s jaw. “I do not have it in me to tell you to stop. I want to, also, too much.” There was something sad in his voice again.

“We could, you know.” Essek leaned that last inch forward, pressing a tiny kiss to the side of Caleb’s lips. “We are standing in a place made entirely of magic... Does that not make you believe that anything is possible?” He tried to keep the yearning out of his words, but Essek knew it was still laced into every syllable. 

“ _ Oh, Essek _ …” Caleb sighed, his eyes looking down and away. “It will be so hard, so complicated. I do not think we could tell anyone, it would be-”

“You really think so?” An icicle of fear had dropped into Essek’s stomach. “You saw who had captured me, where they kept me. And my old contacts within the Empire will never admit to having seen me before. I have no home anywhere, Caleb. You found me, you saved me from sure death, and I am  _ grateful _ but now I have nowhere to go.” He knew there was too much honest pain pouring into his words, but he couldn’t stop it from coming. “Your friends once welcomed me. Is that invitation retracted? Can I not stay? And surely…” Essek took a breath, trying to recover the direction of the conversation before it veered too far wrong. “Jester has teased me a few times over Message, she could guess at my feelings. Surely the others… I do not think your friends would change their opinion of you.”

A half-smile returned to Caleb’s face. “Jester would be delighted to be proven right, and the rest… I think they may suspect. I asked them to help, even knowing what we would probably be up against, and they did not hesitate.”

“ _Please_.” It was the second time Essek had whispered that word this evening. He couldn’t bear to finish the sentence. _Please can we try?_ _Please, can I stay? Please, I am running out of hope…_

Caleb was looking away, but reached down for Essek’s hand. His hand was warm and steady on Essek’s as one minute passed into another. And then he nodded and looked up, some decision made. “We can talk to them in the morning, a breakfast conversation before we leave the tower.”

“Where are we?” Essek suddenly remembered. “Where will we be when we step out?”

Caleb’s smile bloomed brighter, like he was delighted by some mental image that just popped into his head. “I think maybe… yes, I will keep it a surprise.” Caleb kissed Essek’s brow again, like he wanted to smooth the frown. “It is the least dangerous place, I promise.”

“I trust you.” Essek said. He meant it.

They could have stood together for hours more, eyes searching and finding answers in each other's gaze, hands still hesitant to let go. But it was late. And the time left in the tower was counting down.

Caleb was the first to step away.

“Good night, Essek.” He receded to the door, opening it with a soft click.

“Good night, Caleb. And thank you.” Essek knew he would be saying that for many years to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will I ever get tired of writing soft Shadowgast? Nope :)
> 
> Thank you again for every comment, kudos, and encouragement as always.
> 
> (As always, feel free to follow me on [tumblr](https://caleb-says-nein.tumblr.com/) for more critrole shenanigans)

**Author's Note:**

> :)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and any kudos/comments!
> 
> (As always, feel free to follow me on [tumblr](https://caleb-says-nein.tumblr.com/) for more critrole shenanigans, or to prompt me with more fic to write!)


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